You know those nights when it’s 11.27pm and you know that if you stay awake beyond half past, you will NOT be waking up to your 6.30am alarm the next morning? That is life for me. Each and every single working day, I will promise my body it will get its much-needed rest.
And then I fail the poor thing and she hates me the next morning when she’s doing her normally half-hour-long makeup routine in 8.25 minutes and not a second over or there won’t be enough time to jolt to the train station. Ugh.
Life is beautiful, don’t get me wrong. But that’s not to say 9-5’ers out there can’t understand the Groundhog Day feels of most weekday mornings. Even weekends, if you’re like me and you still work in retail. Kicking myself.
So at 11.47pm, when I am awake by the sheer force of procrastination, I am usually on the FBAS Facebook page drooling over burgers I can’t possibly consume this late at night as I’m tucked comfortably into my fluffy IKEA doona. It’s one of those things you know isn’t good for you, and yet you stay and consume.
It’s gripping; all these amazingly delicious adjectives about pulled beef and smokey Coles-branded cheese and maple-glazed everything and something called ‘tiger fries’ which I still don’t understand the reference to. And then you fantasise about the next time you’re going to get your own burger fix, however this doesn’t occur nearly as frequently as you expected.
The ratio of me reading about other peoples’ burger adventures to my own squidgy bun reality is 100:1 at this point. Isn’t that sad? For a girl who wanted to be a competitive eater at the age of seventeen, this is quite a sombre realisation.
So every few weeks I try to get a friend on board and sometimes I’ll get rejected but sometimes I’ll get lucky. Then we’ll make our way to one of like fifty places on my list – it’s a neverending quest to find burger nirvana.
Last week a friend and I had planned to venture out to Darlinghurst’s newest hipster-ridden joint, Guilty. Instagram got me drooling all month so we were anticipating something spesh. As reality usually reveals, not all that looks shiny is worth the effort. We rocked up on a cold winter’s night to be greeted half-heartedly by a bartender who seemed more interested in looking the part than serving customers. He pointed to some tables and we took a seat on uncomfortable oversized wood blocks as we glimpsed through the menu. What can I say? Disappointment was written all over my face. Their menu does not describe what’s in any burger at all but instead tells a silly story about how the names were created. WHAT DO I CARE FOR THE TITLES OF YOUR BURGERS?! Hangry Eva is not happy Eva and I was pretty annoyed.
On top of that, on Instagram they mention a vego option but the poor vegetarians don’t know this unless they follow them on social media. Annoyed and famished, we slipped away from the dim-lit bar and headed to the nearest burger joint I could see: Burgers Anonymous. All dark and overly-trendy in design (think high bar stools and a Breaking Bad wall mural), I didn’t care much for ambience this day.Thank heck their menu was a legitimate thing. The Apollo Cheese ($9) with Angus beef, American cheese, pickles, ketchup, mustard (I forwent onion for obvs reasons..) sounded like my kind of delicious so I went for that.
My burger buddy of the day is a little less of a purist and got the Chooklyn ($12) – crumbed fried chicken, lettuce, tomato, sweet BBQ and BA sauce.
Our burgers came out quite quickly and they were quite beautiful specimens, glossy (I think Breadtop?) buns and glistening innards. The burger was not spectac but was just as it should be – juicy, tangy, gooey insides with a warm, soft exterior. It was pretty small so I see why people are starting to choose double meat options and I might have to join them.
My friend’s fried chicken was crispy and well-seasoned but I could see a bit of pink in the crumbling and that was a tad unnerving. The flavours worker super well together though, salty and sweet mingling on your tastebuds harmoniously. All in all, a decent experience and definitely in my top 10 but the more places I try, the harsher a critic I become unfortch. Still, I love me a classic and I think I’ll return once I’ve trawled the earth for all the others on the list.
Burgers Anonymous, no phone number listed, 80 Oxford Street Darlinghurst NSW 2010, find them on Instagram.